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Sex tips for girls 
7th-Apr-2008 03:15 pm

My BFF brooklynite has some interesting things to say about girls, and sex ed, and public figures.  Which got me thinking about what I would like to see Amerikan girls learn about sex.  Kind of a sex ed 201.

Which is a complete and total pipe dream, of course, in these United States, where if not for some intrepid librarians we wouldn't be able to use "abortion" as a search term on a government-funded health site.  Look how hard it's been to establish the need for these reality-based, sex 101 messages:

1. There are reliable ways, besides abstinence, to prevent pregnancy.
2. There are reliable ways, besides abstinence, to prevent STIs.
3. Abortion is safe (safer than carrying a pregnancy to term, in fact) and there's a wide range of legitimate opinion as to when and whether it is appropriate.
4. Gay and trans people are human beings and are not sick or evil -- at least, no more sick or evil than the average cis hetero.

Once we get the above curriculum established, we can worry about sex 201.  But I'm worrying about it now, anyway.

Some things I want teenage girls to know about sex:

Sexual experiences vary tremendously.  A sexual experience can be:

a. The best experience of your life;
b. The worst experience of your life;
c. Very nice; or
d. A boring let-down.

I suppose it could also be all of the above, but you need permission of the instructor to get into that class.

What I want girls to know is how to maximize the a and c experiences, and minimize or avoid the b and d ones.  I think a lot of teenagers have a lot of bad sex, and that's a shame.

First of all, girls, here is a map of your clitoris and g-spot.  They are your friends.  Take some time to get to know them before you have sex with a partner.

Your chances of having a good sexual experience are exponentially higher if you like and trust your partner.  Not everyone will agree, but I strongly recommend getting to know this person before you take your pants off.  It's especially nice if you are in love, but not absolutely necessary. 

Some people who want to have sex with you care deeply about your feelings, your safety, and your well-being.  Others do not.  If you don't know which category your potential partner falls into, wait until you do.

Adults who want to have sex with you are sleazy assholes.  Avoid them.  Depending on how young you are, this category may include high school seniors.

If you think you have to have sex with someone in order to hold on to him or her, s/he is not worth holding on to.  This one needs to be repeated about a million times, and in about a milion ways. 

No human is born knowing how to have great sex.  It takes practice.  If you want your partner to touch you a certain way, chances are you will have to ask.  If you're not comfortable asking, maybe you don't trust this person enough to have sex with him or her.

When you do have sex, ask for what you want.  Someone who is not willing to meet your (reasonable, safe) sexual requirements is not worth having sex with.  Believe me, you will find someone else.

When you do have sex, don't be selfish.  Make sure the other person gets what s/he wants (within reason, safely) too. 

 All this waiting to have sex is hard.  Having friends you can hug helps, although it can also make things worse.  Masturbating definitely helps.  Masturbate a lot. 

I called this "sex tips for girls" because I know what it's like to be a girl.  I don't know what it's like to be a boy.  These tips probably apply equally to boys and girls, though, apart from the anatomical differences.

What are your tips?  Are they different for boys and girls?  

7th-Apr-2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
I think every girl should take this class.
7th-Apr-2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
Good tips! I'd include (and these are probably the more advanced class, but I think that the advanced class is a good one!):

* Whatever you're into, is good, as long as it doesn't involve dead people, animals or children/ people incapable of providing informed consent. Figuring out what you're into may take awhile, but it probably won't, because you probably already know, you're just ashamed of it! DON'T BE!

* Now, what other people are into may shock or dismay you, but try to keep an open mind, and in the words of my hero, Dan Savage, be "good, giving and game." (GGG) Tit for tat, as they say :D Of course, if someone's an asshole, than DTMFA! (Dump the motherfucker already!) There's no point being GGG if you're not getting GGG in return.

* Read Savage Love. Go back and read the archives. Brilliance? YOU BET. Occasionally too egotistical? Yeah, so what?

By the time I had sex (I was 18), I'd already read so much Savage Love (and Ask Isabella, who isn't quite as awesome, and seems to have disappeared) I already felt like an expert... but of course, the act of sex is different than the idea of the act of sex, so it took awhile to work out the kinks (so to speak).

I did have a wonderful knowledge of anatomy and different sexualities and preferences and that kind of good stuff, tho! Which was really worthwhile!

PS: use lube if you need to (for penis/vagina sex, anal sex, most sex with toys and maybe some other scenarios I'm not thinking about...). Good lube is worth its weight in gold. I like silicone based lubes, cause glycerin (water based lube) gives me yeast. Spit can be used in a pinch, but real lube is better.
14th-Apr-2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
A hearty "amen!" to your PS! This is the number one thing I wish I had known before my first time, because it would have made my experience so much more comfortable. Even with a certain amount of theoretical knowledge and a very sweet and attentive partner, lube would have enhanced my first time tenfold. Lube: not just for anal sex, not a sign of failure, just a useful tool. (And for the advanced class: get the kind in a pump bottle, because those squeezey ones get very messy.)
15th-Apr-2008 01:59 am (UTC)
Definitely the pump bottle!!! Good point! (I have gotten flip top bottles before, they're ok, but the pumps are better.)

Also to note: they make travel size lube, which is the awesome!
25th-Sep-2008 04:02 am (UTC) - pump bottle
what is pump bottle?

plz explain to me
25th-Sep-2008 12:13 pm (UTC) - Re: pump bottle
a little bottle that has a pump top, like this: http://nlbickha.hypermart.net/store/page12.html

also called a spritz bottle or a spray bottle.
25th-Sep-2008 12:19 pm (UTC) - Re: pump bottle
sorry, wrong style! like this: http://nlbickha.hypermart.net/store/page12.html
8th-Apr-2008 12:58 am (UTC)
Hi. Sent here via brooklynite.

Good ideas, all, and I can use the reminders even now.

BTW, alexisyael, I think it's Ask Isadora. Ah, yes, here she is.
8th-Apr-2008 03:14 am (UTC)
COOL! Thanks!

Momnesia strikes again...
8th-Apr-2008 10:53 am (UTC)
Hiya! Thanks.
8th-Apr-2008 05:42 am (UTC)

"Trust your gut. If you have a tiny voice whispering that something isn't right, no matter how tiny that voice is or how hard you're trying to rationalise it away: get the hell out right now."
8th-Apr-2008 10:52 am (UTC)
That's a great one.
8th-Apr-2008 11:31 am (UTC)
And a follow-up to that: "You can always say no, at any time, under any circumstances, no matter what may be going on. Anyone who gets mad at you for saying no is not someone you should be saying yes to."
8th-Apr-2008 11:57 am (UTC)
Oh! And this: "Anyone you're with can always say no, at any time, under any circumstances, no matter what may be going on. If you get mad at someone for saying no, you're not someone anyone should be saying yes to."
8th-Apr-2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
Nice combination.
8th-Apr-2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
Sent here by brooklynite ... .

I think that everything that has been contributed so far is amazing, and don't know that I really have anything to add. I just wanted to run with this point from your post --

Gay and trans people are human beings and are not sick or evil -- at least, no more sick or evil than the average cis hetero.

I've mentioned this before in conversations with friends, but I really wish there was some sort of reputable resource on adolescent sexuality that is truly LGBT-inclusive: one that doesn't treat LGBT/queer/questioning youth as an addendum or an afterthought, but gives them acknowledgement that is on par with the acknowledgement afforded to their hetero/cis counterparts. Most mainstream sex-ed curricula in the U.S. have, at least, adopted an "it's okay to be gay" tack. What I would love to see, though, is, "Not only is it 'okay,' it's entirely normal and not inferior or superior to any other sexual or gender identity. In fact, it's so normal that we won't even assume a 'default' sexual or gender identity for our readership."

This would involve a radical shift in language usage, of course. But I think it can be done! It's just heartbreaking, to me, to think of a 13-year-old reading a biology textbook and realizing they've been relegated to "asterisk territory."
8th-Apr-2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
That's a great point, and I actually don't think it would be too hard to do -- the problem would be getting political support for it. When I was in high school, in the 80s, the sex ed curriculum was very focused on pregnancy and how to avoid it. But all the other issues are really the same regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity -- being safe from disease, avoiding rape and exploitation, understanding how bodies work.

Oh yeah, and welcome to my world!
14th-Apr-2008 04:11 am (UTC)
Linked here via sunday roundup at Feministe.

I'd add "It's okay to be asexual or to not want sex. It doesn't make you a freak."

I understand in the US that there's basically abstinence-only education that is saying "wait for sex", but I'm thinking of something more along the lines of saying that not wanting sex isn't freakish, that it's okay for boys to not want sex, it's okay for girls *to* want sex, and that it's okay to want sex sometimes and not others.
22nd-Apr-2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
This is great.

troubleinchina made me think I'd add a bit about even short periods of celibacy as a not only normal, but healthy and kind thing to do for oneself intermittently or for longer stretches - particularly if sexual relationships are taking more energy than they're giving. There's so much pressure to be boinking, and such general forgetting that celibacy can be awesome. Read! Write! Paint! Sleep! Avoid dating until it's fun again! : )

Yes: lube lube lube. It's a major crime sex-ed rarely passes this on. How much abrasion could be spared if lubrication wasn't a moral issue? If everyone knew, young, that it varies according to sleep-adequacy, diet, hormonal cycles, age, etc.?

And seriously second the 'if it feels even a little sketchy, split.' Can talk about it later.

(Glad to find your blog via CRN via Brooklynite!)

22nd-Apr-2008 10:19 pm (UTC)
Whoops, that was me, not Anonymous.
23rd-Apr-2008 01:47 pm (UTC)
Hi, welcome! What's CRN?
3rd-May-2008 05:15 am (UTC) - re
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